What do I mean by "internal hierarchies"?

What I meant by "internal hierarchies" was mainly two things:

1.  The ways we have been conditioned (in our thinking and feeling) to reinforce hierarchy and division-- our internalized racism, classism, xenophobia, homophobia, binaristic thinking, etc. (as opposed to the external work of changing legislation, practical inequities, access to resources, etc)

2.  The ways we have been taught to value ourselves and our particular skills, gifts, and lack thereof in ways that privilege certain skills and gifts unnecessarily while punishing those who have difficulty mastering certain skill sets.  I think of the way that our education system tends to favor certain skills and learning styles and how this can both stifle gifts and lead brilliant children to think they aren't smart.  I think of a quote I have seen attributed to Einstein:  “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

I think this extends to personality traits as well.  An example might be extroversion verses introversion.  Extroverted traits are encouraged and rewarded in our society and introverted traits are often painted as strange or rude.  Our ways of internalizing these standards can lead to exhaustion and self-hatred. 

This second piece also has external effects, as the examples probably illustrate.  

A Thought That Changed A Lot

A little while ago, a thought occurred to me that changed some of my thinking.  Perhaps it's simple and perhaps it's not something you need to hear, but here it is:

It's okay to say no to your thoughts.

When this came to me, it changed a lot for me.  As an anxious, depressed person, I often feel captive to my thoughts.  They can feel minimizing and paralyzing.

I'm trying to learn (and it's a process that requires consciously reminding myself, which I am not always able to do) that when I think thoughts that are self-hateful or rooted in fears that I realistically know are unmerited, I can decide they don't matter.  Just like when someone says something I know is wrong or is misinformed, I can recognize that my thoughts are sometimes rooted in my illness or the unhealthy ways I've learned to navigate the world.

Like when I look in the mirror and my mind jumps to all of the criticisms of my physical appearance, I can say no to those thoughts because I know that my body weight is relatively stable and falls within a healthy range for someone my height.  My signs of age are proof that I have survived everything I've survived.  They're proof that I've spent 33 years improving myself and I have no desire to go back 15 years.  My stretch marks are signs my body gave me that maybe I needed to be healthier, but they're also scars of eating disorders and depression.  They're more proof of survival.  They're also proof of my body's ability to adapt.  My body is healthy.  My body looks like my ancestors and people I love.  My body has gotten me here.  If I believe in progress or resurrection or guidance from God or wisdom -- or all of those things-- then I believe that all of what brings me to where I am is a journey ordained by the universe, particularized to my soul, so that I might learn more.

When I feel hate within myself, no matter where it's directed, I have to try to re-train myself to love.  So when I think those self-hateful thoughts, I can say "nope," and choose to exit that internal conversation, just like I can choose to walk away from any jerk who disrespects me.

Not today, brain.  Not today.

So here's today's truth:  It's okay to say no to your thoughts.

What thoughts do you find it's healthy to say no to?  Are there thoughts you find yourself lured into and losing control of?

A Question for Shifting Perspective

I know I'm not the only person in the world who struggles with feelings of guilt.

My local family is Irish Catholic, and while I was not raised in the RCC tradition, I feel the religious traditions of my family have been very influential, although not directly.

Guilt is a huge motivator in the ways my family thinks of things.  I manage to feel guilty about things that are silly for very long periods of time.

For instance, I still regularly think about a moment in time in which I got mad at my friend for coloring most of a coloring book I left at her home.  I feel bad about it because she felt like she was making a gift for me, whereas I felt like she was using up my toy without my permission.  As the story perhaps suggests, this happened a long time ago.  I was probably about 7 years old.  I'm 33 and I still think about it at least once a week.

There are things like this in my life.  I hold grudges against myself that I can't seem to let go of, even though the more rational, forgiving parts of my brain and spirit know I am being silly.  It doesn't seem to change the ways I feel about myself.  

I think I even developed (thanks to crap boyfriends and some upbringing stuff) a tendency to smash down feelings of pride or desire and beat myself up about them.  Like, when I start to think something good about myself, my brains says, "No, stop!  This is the way to arrogance or disappointment!  You are crap!"  

This often leads me to feel like I don't deserve good things.  It is a way I learned to cope with people who treated me poorly.  A helpless feeling of loving someone who treats you poorly can make us feel like we deserve that treatment.  If this person treats me poorly, it's because I deserve it.  I start to feel like I don't deserve happiness and happiness starts to make me feel uncomfortable.  It almost feels unsafe.

Life is weird, right?

Sometimes I feel guilty about my blessings.  I don't know how to accept success because I spent a lot of time telling myself I wasn't worthy of good things.  When good things come along, I sometimes push them away because they don't feel safe to me.  

All of this is to reference something I lost.  It was an OWN (Oprah Winfrey) thing, but I can't recall who she was talking to.  The question I learned to ask myself is:

"Instead of feeling guilty, can I feel grateful?"

It's a way of orienting myself toward more truth.  It's a way of discerning whether my soul actually feels like I don't deserve something or whether it's a behavior I've learned through abuse.  

Breaking these cycles in myself will hopefully help me raise children who don't get trapped in them.

Immersion Trip Day 7: Kairos Palestine and the Wall (Part 2)

As I mentioned, much of our trip was dense with information and informational presentations from faith leaders and others in the Palestine region.  After meeting with Diyar, a Lutheran organization based in Bethlehem that works with people of all faiths in Palestine (and elsewhere) to help keep people living under occupation hopeful, cultured, and rooted in their identity.  Not only does their work ignite passion in youth who feel hopeless about their situation, but it helps train young people for work in the stunted economy of Palestine and roots them in their cultural identity.

Kairos is a Christian organization that works with Palestinians in a different way.  Much of what they do is advocacy and awareness.  Here are some links that might be useful:

Welcome to Kairos Palestine | Kairos Palestine (their website)

Kairos Document | Kairos Palestine

The Kairos Document was a cry in the wilderness for compassion and solidarity with Palestinian Christians.  While the conflict is often framed as one between Muslims and Jews, the reality is that there is some mix.  Israel is 20% Arabic citizenship and Christians make up about 15% of the Palestinian population.  Part of the message control about what is happening in Palestine is the use of religion.  Westerners already make associations between Islam and terrorism, so to continue suggesting that narrative furthers the Israeli cause.  What such implied associations fail to acknowledge is how the severity of Israeli policy and action affects the Palestinian community and how their continued occupation, abuse, discrimination, and displacement of Palestinians foments the resistance (largely unarmed) which the West likes to call "terrorism."  If the British came back to the U.S. tomorrow and said, "we were here before and want this land back, you Americans can all go live in the Dakotas, Utah, Wyoming, and Colorado under our control, with limited movement, access to resources, and a closed economy without opportunities for export and limited opportunities for imports, WOULD WE NOT REBEL?  Come on.  

Anyway, I will try to tease out some of the information we got in these meetings, but as with every experience we had, the second hand telling does not do justice to the experience.  The passion and lived experiences of those we met with was hard to deny and hard to accept.  

Here is my group with the folks from Kairos:

After visiting with folks from Diyar and Kairos, it made the experience of the Bethlehem wall very real.  We went to look at the wall, then cross it as a Palestinian might.  Here are some images:

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  The wall in Bethlehem. The conversations we got to be a part of ignited hope. Experiences like this trip always manage to couple hope and despair as yin and yang. As Rev. Dr. Mitri Raheb says, we are not optimistic, but we are hopeful. There is a difference.

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  More of the wall.

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  The things some of us take for granted are denied so many of our brothers and sisters around the world.

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  "We are one" And yet…

 

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  "You may be blind, but we are NOT.“

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  "END ISRAELI APARTHEID" My experience here illustrates how much misinformation is spouted in our media. The narratives floated by the dominant voices in American media are pretty much the exact opposite of what is happening on the ground. Across the street from this (on the side “controlled” by Palestians), in a dilapidated neighborhood, a little boy (his name was Ahmed) waved hello to me and my classmates. He and his father asked if we had time for coffee. Tell me again who the terrorists are. 

 

Above:  (at Bethlehem, West Bank)  "There is but one coward on this earth, and that is the coward that dare not know.“ W.E.B. Du Bois          Where is the truth? It is here. It is plain. And it is hidden from those who do not look for it. The truth alone may not set us free, but we cannot be free without it. None of us are free until all of us are free.

We crossed the wall on foot, through gates that Palestinian laborers cross between 2:30 and 4:30 in the morning.  I cannot imagine when they sleep.

We entered a dark, ramped hallway.  It was pitch black and covered in trash.  After making it up the dark ramp, we entered a brightly-lit room with florescent lights that seemed blinding after dark-hallway-of-trash.  It was metal, concrete, and wire everywhere.  Yet again, I felt like an animal.  The design is clearly made to dehumanize and be unpleasant.  Our leader told us that in the mornings, when it is full, guards are everywhere.  Faith groups also stand in the line to intervene when Israeli soldiers mistreat Palestinians.

As we approached a metal turnstyle to get to the next area, a man was standing in front of the gate, yelling down the empty hallway, trying to get someone's attention.  He was standing in front of the gate, belt in hand, ready to go through security.  As we walked up (a group of Americans), he pointed up at the camera directly above his head.

"They can see us," he pointed out to us.  How long had he been standing there, waiting for someone to acknowledge him and let him through?  It wasn't even busy.

Momentarily, perhaps with the arrival of we Americans, a guard spoke over the loudspeaker.  "Go to Gate 3." There were 3 gates.  We looked around.  None were labeled.

"Which is Gate 3?"  We asked and walked over to a different one.  Nope, not the one.  We walked to the third gate.

A couple followed us and we let them go ahead.  We were tourists after all, and they were probably trying to do something more important.  The woman, in a long skirt and holding a plastic shopping back, went through security, taking off her shoes and placing her bag on the x-ray machine, walking through the metal detector.  This is the second place we needed to be approved to move forward.

We got to the last point, where we were to show our passports and visas.  The Palestinian woman who we let in front of us spoke to the guard for quite some time.  She had her documents, but there was much talking back and forth.  I could only imagine how often that happened when the facility was packed with folks trying to get through to work, to see family, or to get to their land.  I don't know why they questioned her for so long, but they did.

After we got back to Area B on the other side of the wall, our guide told us that a group of Jewish grandmothers stands there every day to yell at the Israeli soldiers for doing a poor job.

The night was dark.  We were tired.  We returned to the hotel; I was feeling helpless.  How terrible the situation is for so many Palestinians.  They are not animals.

We cannot cage them in and treat them so.

None of us are free until all of us are free.

Here are some videos.  I recommend the following explanation of the Israel-Palestine conflict.

Above:  This is a fairly good explanation of the history of events in Israel and Palestine.

Above: Building Peace

Vegan

"The question of whether a vegan diet is our natural diet or the healthiest is irrelevant. The facts are we can survive and thrive on a vegan diet. The issue at hand is a vegan diet is ethical, it allows us to nourish ourselves without exploiting and murdering other animals and allows us to live in alignment with the values of justice, fairness, and compassion."

— Gary Smith (via deanbreaks)

(via seekinguncertainty)

Christian Vegetarian

Early Christians were often vegetarian.

In Genesis, God gave us all GREEN good to enjoy… and to share with other life.

I am a Christian seminary student.  This is from a paper that I wrote for my Christian ethics class:

“As Christians, we should remember the story of Genesis.  While many find in its stories a justification for human dominance over animals, we can also see that God called all of creation good, including the elements of creation we treat as food.  God’s creation and abundant life is given to all creatures.   “‘To every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.’  And it was so.  God saw everything that [God] had made, and indeed, it was very good” (Genesis 1:29-31).  This passage shows a God who shows concern for people and animals, calling us to share our food and calling the animals good, just like humans.  If animals share the same goodness as humans and if they are created to participate in the abundance of life as we are, it stands to reason that they should be treated with respect.  Whether we see them as a source of food or as spiritual equals, we can see that torturing animals and creating conditions of abuse and cruelty for them to live their lives in are not in line with the spirit displayed in Genesis.  In Job, animals are portrayed as sources of wisdom to be learned from.  God implores Job to “ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea inform you” (Job 12:7-9).  It is hard to suggest that a God who sees animals as teachers of wisdom would respect a culture complicit in animal cruelty.”  

You can read the whole essay here: Factory Farms: Humanity Slaughtered 

The essay prompt was to write against consumption of factory farmed beef and pork (specifically) from a Christian ethical perspective.

You Cannot Fight Fire With Fire

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

— Martin Luther King Jr. (via thisplacehasknownmagic)