Bootstraps

I often struggle with a balance between my individual needs and my sense of community engagement. At what point does "self care" become "selfish" and at what point is "selfless" essentially "reckless"?

I think is important for Christians to lift up and try always to remember the interconnections that sustain and propel us. I think there is a temptation among Americans (perhaps especially among white, Protestant Americans) to buy into the "bootstraps" myth of individualism that leads people like Donald Trump to think he built his business all by his lonesome. The moment I start to see myself as a person who acts alone in the world, I not only disrespect and disregard the many lives that have helped me get to where I am, celebrated me and held me in my lower moments; I fail to see a myriad of possibilities before me that exist in the interrelationships I am a part of- the paths forward I might be blind to if I think I am walking alone.

I hope that makes sense.

Hyperbole and a Half

seekinguncertainty:

writhemic:

everyday.

all the days

)Hyperbole and a Half

A Thought That Changed A Lot

A little while ago, a thought occurred to me that changed some of my thinking.  Perhaps it's simple and perhaps it's not something you need to hear, but here it is:

It's okay to say no to your thoughts.

When this came to me, it changed a lot for me.  As an anxious, depressed person, I often feel captive to my thoughts.  They can feel minimizing and paralyzing.

I'm trying to learn (and it's a process that requires consciously reminding myself, which I am not always able to do) that when I think thoughts that are self-hateful or rooted in fears that I realistically know are unmerited, I can decide they don't matter.  Just like when someone says something I know is wrong or is misinformed, I can recognize that my thoughts are sometimes rooted in my illness or the unhealthy ways I've learned to navigate the world.

Like when I look in the mirror and my mind jumps to all of the criticisms of my physical appearance, I can say no to those thoughts because I know that my body weight is relatively stable and falls within a healthy range for someone my height.  My signs of age are proof that I have survived everything I've survived.  They're proof that I've spent 33 years improving myself and I have no desire to go back 15 years.  My stretch marks are signs my body gave me that maybe I needed to be healthier, but they're also scars of eating disorders and depression.  They're more proof of survival.  They're also proof of my body's ability to adapt.  My body is healthy.  My body looks like my ancestors and people I love.  My body has gotten me here.  If I believe in progress or resurrection or guidance from God or wisdom -- or all of those things-- then I believe that all of what brings me to where I am is a journey ordained by the universe, particularized to my soul, so that I might learn more.

When I feel hate within myself, no matter where it's directed, I have to try to re-train myself to love.  So when I think those self-hateful thoughts, I can say "nope," and choose to exit that internal conversation, just like I can choose to walk away from any jerk who disrespects me.

Not today, brain.  Not today.

So here's today's truth:  It's okay to say no to your thoughts.

What thoughts do you find it's healthy to say no to?  Are there thoughts you find yourself lured into and losing control of?

Body and Spirit

Joy makes us beautiful.

Sing.

Dance.

Smile.

Seek types of movement that create beauty of form from beauty of spirit in ways that have lasting, beautifying affects on the body.

Just Dance.

One thing I've learned from Shonda Rhimes is that dancing can help with stress.  I also think dancing around my house is a good way to move my body for a while.

Maybe try it?  Make one or a few playlists and make a ritual of dancing for 20 minutes each day.  Just get down by yourself and see how it makes you feel.

Most studies show that most behavioral changes become habit after one month and also seem to start producing effects within a similar time frame.

So give it time.

A Question for Shifting Perspective

I know I'm not the only person in the world who struggles with feelings of guilt.

My local family is Irish Catholic, and while I was not raised in the RCC tradition, I feel the religious traditions of my family have been very influential, although not directly.

Guilt is a huge motivator in the ways my family thinks of things.  I manage to feel guilty about things that are silly for very long periods of time.

For instance, I still regularly think about a moment in time in which I got mad at my friend for coloring most of a coloring book I left at her home.  I feel bad about it because she felt like she was making a gift for me, whereas I felt like she was using up my toy without my permission.  As the story perhaps suggests, this happened a long time ago.  I was probably about 7 years old.  I'm 33 and I still think about it at least once a week.

There are things like this in my life.  I hold grudges against myself that I can't seem to let go of, even though the more rational, forgiving parts of my brain and spirit know I am being silly.  It doesn't seem to change the ways I feel about myself.  

I think I even developed (thanks to crap boyfriends and some upbringing stuff) a tendency to smash down feelings of pride or desire and beat myself up about them.  Like, when I start to think something good about myself, my brains says, "No, stop!  This is the way to arrogance or disappointment!  You are crap!"  

This often leads me to feel like I don't deserve good things.  It is a way I learned to cope with people who treated me poorly.  A helpless feeling of loving someone who treats you poorly can make us feel like we deserve that treatment.  If this person treats me poorly, it's because I deserve it.  I start to feel like I don't deserve happiness and happiness starts to make me feel uncomfortable.  It almost feels unsafe.

Life is weird, right?

Sometimes I feel guilty about my blessings.  I don't know how to accept success because I spent a lot of time telling myself I wasn't worthy of good things.  When good things come along, I sometimes push them away because they don't feel safe to me.  

All of this is to reference something I lost.  It was an OWN (Oprah Winfrey) thing, but I can't recall who she was talking to.  The question I learned to ask myself is:

"Instead of feeling guilty, can I feel grateful?"

It's a way of orienting myself toward more truth.  It's a way of discerning whether my soul actually feels like I don't deserve something or whether it's a behavior I've learned through abuse.  

Breaking these cycles in myself will hopefully help me raise children who don't get trapped in them.